I am a mother and grandmother.

I wanted life to be an adventure. I didn’t always look for safety and was willing to take a risk.

My husband and I moved to an off grid 200 acre property in rural eastern Ontario in 1987.

I was raised by immigrant parents who prized “obedience” above all other character traits. They had survived the war in Europe as young teens.

I had no idea what a “boundary” was. They also passed “survivor’s guilt” on to me.

I tried really hard to follow the rules, but they kept changing, depending on the mood my parents were in. My sister and I were “spanked” regularly, this involved being whipped with a belt across the butt if it was my dad, and whatever was handy if it was mom.

We were spanked for just doing things that kids do.

I did not like my parents. I loved them, but I did not like them.

I decided not to have children because I did not want to have to pull their teeth out when they became loose. Eventually I decided I would have just 1, and decide based on that experience whether to have more.

Hormones are real. I had 7 kids, about one every 2 years, letting my body birth each one at home without any medications, and mostly just with my family present. I had read some books, got some advice from my sister and believed that if my body could grow another human being on its own, surely it could get it to the outside world on its own.

The best thing I have done in my life is to raise 7 beautiful children.

When I had been married for about 17 years, I realized there was something very wrong in my marriage. I was miserable.

At first I thought it was my fault. I made a number of changes and tried to become a better person. I was still miserable.

I went to my pastor for help. The complaints I had about my husband seemed nit picky.

After some discussion with both of us, he said “We’re pulling for you”, prayed, and that was that.

Then I went to a therapist in town. We both went to the second session, and were given homework. My husband decided he would not go back.

There were lots of things that bothered me, not one major thing. He never hit me or called me names. He was critical, demanding, and miserable. He said it was all my fault, that I was not good enough. I tried harder.

The emotional roller coaster went on for years.

On a whim, I typed into the laptop, “Why am I so miserable in my marriage?” Very quickly I was directed to a “narcissism” website. I stared in disbelief. Someone had been living in my home and had documented exactly what I was experiencing. I was shocked and actually overjoyed! It was a real thing!!! I was not crazy!!!!

My misery continued to get worse.

In 2019 I made the decision to divorce. This was the most crushing and difficult decision I had ever made, for so many reasons. My entire identity was tied to being a wife and mother. Most of my kids were launched, and now I would no longer be a wife. Who would I be and how would I be her?

I have felt confused and fearful most of my adult life.

I believed I didn’t see the world clearly and it didn’t make any sense. I constantly looked for the “rule book” or even “guide book” or “owner’s manual” to this thing we call the human experience.

I often said, “I feel like when the rules for life were handed out, I was behind the door.” I know now that when confusion is constant in your relationship, you are being manipulated.

The manipulation is often very subtle and while it is happening, it is difficult to detect. I started writing things down, and recording when I could. I started to see patterns and tried to get more help from counsellors and therapists.

In November 2023, my divorce became final. There were issues of custody of our Down’s Syndrome son that dragged out in court for another year.

I did a lot of soul searching. I combed through my life and changed any belief that was keeping me from being the person I knew I was. I began to study and eventually became a life coach.

I used the techniques of life coaching to change my life.

Every time I heard a story of someone giving birth and it ending in an “emergency C-section”, my heart sank a little.

I asked myself why women continued to go to the hospital when it was often an awful experience.

Fear.

That’s why. They were afraid. Why were they afraid?

Suddenly all of my experiences birthing my babies and the life coaching roiled together and exploded in an epiphany.

If you can push out a baby without pain medication, you have everything you need to live an amazing life.

I am going to help you if you are a woman struggling with fear around childbirth. Perhaps you have heard some horror stories, whether in the hospital or home.

I’m going to teach you how to birth a baby.